Casper Heyzeus - Self Help For The Helpless Self

by Ice Cream For Crow

supported by
David Donovan
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David Donovan Casper is consistently one of the most fun and musically varied artists on the internet. Always love listening to his stuff! Favorite track: A Family trip to burger king.
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  • Streaming + Download

    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.

    you get the tape artwork with this

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  • Cassette + Digital Album

    6 panel j card, full colour (tape includes a secret hidden bonus track)
    with the cassette you also get some awesome new badges and stickers
    also comes with a signed hentai picture!!!!!!!!!!!

    Includes unlimited streaming of Casper Heyzeus - Self Help For The Helpless Self via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
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    edition of 60 

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1.
04:12
2.
01:24
3.
4.
03:19
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
04:17
11.
03:50
12.
02:38
13.
03:09
14.
01:53
15.
16.
17.
18.
19.
20.
01:26
21.
22.
23.
04:06
24.
00:53
25.
26.
27.
28.
02:34

credits

released October 10, 2016

All song written by C.Heyzeus
Except church on sunday and the mountains
both of those songs were co written with D.Dalls, M.Simpson and S.Ross

Matthew Simpson features on guitar and backing vocals on those two songs

Front cover artwork by
Polly Bound
Polly.bound27@gmail.com

tags

license

all rights reserved
Track Name: Hentai
senior heyzeus i heard you recently got back from japan
thats right lil timmy
was it as fucked up as mexico
you watch your god damn mouth lil timmy, and no! it was 5 times as fucked up

i went to a shitty bar to play poker with the yakuzza
they found out i was cheating, so i said that i was leaving
then one of them locked the door, by this point i knew the score
my underwear filled up with shit, i had to make a quick exit

then they sliced a man in half
i dont know why but i had to laugh
they all thought i was crazy
told them my names patrick swayzee

now with confused looks on their face
it was time to go post haste
off i go, downtown tokyo

lets all go to tokyo
well eat some noodles and play nintendo

i had to hide somewhere, then i noticed a hotel in the square
i quickly ran, off inside
you will never guess what i would find

tons of chicks all dressed up as maids
wanting to play video games
i tapped every single ass
only to remember that i had no cash
i said i couldnt pay the fee
so they started chasing me

off i go downtown tokyo

lets all go to tokyo
well eat some noodles and play nintendo
hentai porn, yes hentai porn
you can look at women getting fucked by tentacles
what the fuck is that all about?
why do you japanese people always scream and shout about hentai
hentai
HENTAIIIII
Track Name: Metal Shit
i have a problem
its getting worse
what must i do
to end this curse
if i see metal
i go ballistic
i think these lyrics
are unrealistic

wake up in the morning and all i eat is metal, metal

honey, I'm worried about timmy, he took all the cutlery out of the kitchen and ate it
by god barbarra its gotten worse than that, last night he took the car apart for a snack. if he doesn't stop this metal eating nonsense he's going to shit himself wide open
Track Name: A Family trip to burger king
i want a burger king
lets go to burger king
im going to burger king
will you come with me

so youre driving in youre car with your family
got the wife to the next of you the kids in the back
you say to your family
what do you want to eat?
its papas treat

well your wife says that she likes a subway
your daughter says that she wants mcdonalds
and youre son?
he wants kfc
but not for me
its papas treat
so i pull out my gun from the glove compartment
and i take my family to burger king

chorus

so your walking through the doors now at burger king
and your family are all in tears
you say straighten up cause its time to eat
hey wife wht do you want to eat
i, i dont know just please stop pointing the gun at me
alright
my wife will have a chicken royale
my son will have a good kids meal
and my daughter?
give her a whopper
as for me, ill have the steak house
gimmie two patties
extra crispy onions
and a chocolate shake to wash that shit down

i love burger king, makes me sing, that burger king
take it away now

chorus

i killed my family
cause i was too busy
eating my burger king
and i crashed the car
Track Name: Lunch Break
hey I'm on my lunch break right now
id love to help you but i have only got half an hour
find some one else
hey i fuckin told you already
I'm on my lunch break I've only got half an hour
find some one else
who gives a fuck

what part of my lunch break
do you not understand
go find some one on the shop floor
that will take you by the hand
i only have half an hour
to go to greens and get a sausage roll
i only have half an hour
and you just spent, 5 minutes of them
go find some one else
i don't want to help you
go find some one else
can you get the fuckin point
in your head
I'm on my lunch break i need bread
i want to eat a sandwich
drink some juice
i don't want to be helping you out
so go and fuck yourself
because I'm on my lunch break
Track Name: Just one drink
do you have a map
im lost in your eyes
is there a mirror between your legs
i see myself between your thighs tonight

pretty lady with the tennis shoes on
i wanna fu fu fu fu fu fu fu fu fu fu fu fu fu fu
buy you a drink!

just one drink, or maybe two
we aint got much else to do
lets fuck
lets fuck
come on baby lets fuck
Track Name: Something you love
tomorrow is my birthday and i cannot sleep
im so god damn excited
sick of counting sheep
so i started thinking about
gifts i got last year
where did they go to, where did they go?
how did they disappear?

i think that stephen has my star wars vhs
and brains got my mario for the NES
who's got my megatron?
where has it fucking gone?
i started to get pissed
while i wrote out this list

never give a friend something that you love
you may not get it back or it may come back damaged
never give a friend something that you love
you may not get it back or it may come back damaged

each name that i added to this growing list
would make me so damn angry
that id clench my fist
so i came up with a plan
i would hire a hitman
he'd go from door to door
my possessions he would score
and if he kills the other kids
well thats none of my business
sure i wouldn't have any friends
but at least my possessions won't go missing again

never give a friend something that you love
you may not get it back or it may come back damaged
never give a friend something that you love
you may not get it back or it may come back damaged

the job is done now and I'm feeling so guilty
i went into the attic and there right before me
was my old mario, megatron in toll
my star wars vhs
oh god, oh god, OH NO!

my mother must have moved all my old toys
up to the attic for my birthday
my room was crowded so she just made some more room
for my new toys, for me to play
Track Name: Neil Diamond's Sunny Delight
this divorce is tearing us apart, you took the kids
i wish we could go back to the start
oh darling just for tonight
lets not fight
lets drink sunny delight
sunny delight, sweet sunny delight
forget about the divorce and just drink sweet orange sunny delight
sunny delight comes in different flavours folks
im neil diamond, go watch E.T.
Track Name: brian was a man
brian was a man who used to be a capitan
ohhh
brian was a man
brian was a fan of the band called duran duran
ohhhh
brian was a fan
brian was a man who only had two fuckin hands
oh brian was a man
brian was a man who simply could not understand
yeah
why he was a man

brian what are you doing? oh brian I'm getting scared
brian please don't stop trying
oh brian, you're still a man
Track Name: Let's go to
its summer time
I'm feeling fine
got my wife beside me
and my son behind
were going away
out to the mountains
we go every year
we see a fountain
we make so much love
when our son is asleep
we sleep in separate tents
we don't want him to see
sometimes he wakes up late at night
cause he gets a scare, yeah he gets a fright
there is wildlife out here in the mountains
its beautiful, we come here every year
we love it here, we never want to leave the mountains

but one night when my son woke up
he said daddy theres a mountain lion
i said to him "son go back to sleep"
i was balls deep I WAS BALLS DEEP
in my wife
but unfortunately
she lost her life
my son wasn't lying
it was a mountain lion
my wife is dead now
i don't know what to do
Track Name: The Mountains
i quit my job today and went
to the mountains
stripped off all my clothes and lived
in the mountains
stacked up a ton of rocks for a house
in the mountains
i buried my first born
in the mountains

in the mountains
in the mountains, the mountains
in the mountains baby, the mountains baby
in the mountains, the mountains

i found a ladies sock
in the mountains
had a walk behind a rock
in the mountains
i wrestled a stray dog
in the mountains
i cried alone in the fog
in the mountains

in the mountains
in the mountains, the mountains
in the mountains baby, the mountains baby
in the mountains, the mountains

there aint too much to eat
in the mountains
i dug up my first born
in the mountains
i ate my only son
in the mountains
i shat out my first born
in the mountains

in the mountains
in the mountains, the mountains
in the mountains baby, the mountains baby
in the mountains, the mountains