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Self Help For The Helpless Self

by Casper Heyzeus

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1.
Hentai 04:12
senior heyzeus i heard you recently got back from japan thats right lil timmy was it as fucked up as mexico you watch your god damn mouth lil timmy, and no! it was 5 times as fucked up i went to a shitty bar to play poker with the yakuzza they found out i was cheating, so i said that i was leaving then one of them locked the door, by this point i knew the score my underwear filled up with shit, i had to make a quick exit then they sliced a man in half i dont know why but i had to laugh they all thought i was crazy told them my names patrick swayzee now with confused looks on their face it was time to go post haste off i go, downtown tokyo lets all go to tokyo well eat some noodles and play nintendo i had to hide somewhere, then i noticed a hotel in the square i quickly ran, off inside you will never guess what i would find tons of chicks all dressed up as maids wanting to play video games i tapped every single ass only to remember that i had no cash i said i couldnt pay the fee so they started chasing me off i go downtown tokyo lets all go to tokyo well eat some noodles and play nintendo hentai porn, yes hentai porn you can look at women getting fucked by tentacles what the fuck is that all about? why do you japanese people always scream and shout about hentai hentai HENTAIIIII
2.
Metal Shit 01:24
i have a problem its getting worse what must i do to end this curse if i see metal i go ballistic i think these lyrics are unrealistic wake up in the morning and all i eat is metal, metal honey, I'm worried about timmy, he took all the cutlery out of the kitchen and ate it by god barbarra its gotten worse than that, last night he took the car apart for a snack. if he doesn't stop this metal eating nonsense he's going to shit himself wide open
3.
i want a burger king lets go to burger king im going to burger king will you come with me so youre driving in youre car with your family got the wife to the next of you the kids in the back you say to your family what do you want to eat? its papas treat well your wife says that she likes a subway your daughter says that she wants mcdonalds and youre son? he wants kfc but not for me its papas treat so i pull out my gun from the glove compartment and i take my family to burger king chorus so your walking through the doors now at burger king and your family are all in tears you say straighten up cause its time to eat hey wife wht do you want to eat i, i dont know just please stop pointing the gun at me alright my wife will have a chicken royale my son will have a good kids meal and my daughter? give her a whopper as for me, ill have the steak house gimmie two patties extra crispy onions and a chocolate shake to wash that shit down i love burger king, makes me sing, that burger king take it away now chorus i killed my family cause i was too busy eating my burger king and i crashed the car
4.
Lunch Break 03:19
hey I'm on my lunch break right now id love to help you but i have only got half an hour find some one else hey i fuckin told you already I'm on my lunch break I've only got half an hour find some one else who gives a fuck what part of my lunch break do you not understand go find some one on the shop floor that will take you by the hand i only have half an hour to go to greens and get a sausage roll i only have half an hour and you just spent, 5 minutes of them go find some one else i don't want to help you go find some one else can you get the fuckin point in your head I'm on my lunch break i need bread i want to eat a sandwich drink some juice i don't want to be helping you out so go and fuck yourself because I'm on my lunch break
5.
do you have a map im lost in your eyes is there a mirror between your legs i see myself between your thighs tonight pretty lady with the tennis shoes on i wanna fu fu fu fu fu fu fu fu fu fu fu fu fu fu buy you a drink! just one drink, or maybe two we aint got much else to do lets fuck lets fuck come on baby lets fuck
6.
tomorrow is my birthday and i cannot sleep im so god damn excited sick of counting sheep so i started thinking about gifts i got last year where did they go to, where did they go? how did they disappear? i think that stephen has my star wars vhs and brains got my mario for the NES who's got my megatron? where has it fucking gone? i started to get pissed while i wrote out this list never give a friend something that you love you may not get it back or it may come back damaged never give a friend something that you love you may not get it back or it may come back damaged each name that i added to this growing list would make me so damn angry that id clench my fist so i came up with a plan i would hire a hitman he'd go from door to door my possessions he would score and if he kills the other kids well thats none of my business sure i wouldn't have any friends but at least my possessions won't go missing again never give a friend something that you love you may not get it back or it may come back damaged never give a friend something that you love you may not get it back or it may come back damaged the job is done now and I'm feeling so guilty i went into the attic and there right before me was my old mario, megatron in toll my star wars vhs oh god, oh god, OH NO! my mother must have moved all my old toys up to the attic for my birthday my room was crowded so she just made some more room for my new toys, for me to play
7.
this divorce is tearing us apart, you took the kids i wish we could go back to the start oh darling just for tonight lets not fight lets drink sunny delight sunny delight, sweet sunny delight forget about the divorce and just drink sweet orange sunny delight sunny delight comes in different flavours folks im neil diamond, go watch E.T.
8.
brian was a man who used to be a capitan ohhh brian was a man brian was a fan of the band called duran duran ohhhh brian was a fan brian was a man who only had two fuckin hands oh brian was a man brian was a man who simply could not understand yeah why he was a man brian what are you doing? oh brian I'm getting scared brian please don't stop trying oh brian, you're still a man
9.
10.
Detention 04:17
11.
Johnny Depp 03:50
12.
The Basement 02:38
13.
Bath Time 03:09
14.
Sports day 01:53
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20.
Let's go to 01:26
its summer time I'm feeling fine got my wife beside me and my son behind were going away out to the mountains we go every year we see a fountain we make so much love when our son is asleep we sleep in separate tents we don't want him to see sometimes he wakes up late at night cause he gets a scare, yeah he gets a fright there is wildlife out here in the mountains its beautiful, we come here every year we love it here, we never want to leave the mountains but one night when my son woke up he said daddy theres a mountain lion i said to him "son go back to sleep" i was balls deep I WAS BALLS DEEP in my wife but unfortunately she lost her life my son wasn't lying it was a mountain lion my wife is dead now i don't know what to do
21.
i quit my job today and went to the mountains stripped off all my clothes and lived in the mountains stacked up a ton of rocks for a house in the mountains i buried my first born in the mountains in the mountains in the mountains, the mountains in the mountains baby, the mountains baby in the mountains, the mountains i found a ladies sock in the mountains had a walk behind a rock in the mountains i wrestled a stray dog in the mountains i cried alone in the fog in the mountains in the mountains in the mountains, the mountains in the mountains baby, the mountains baby in the mountains, the mountains there aint too much to eat in the mountains i dug up my first born in the mountains i ate my only son in the mountains i shat out my first born in the mountains in the mountains in the mountains, the mountains in the mountains baby, the mountains baby in the mountains, the mountains
22.
23.
Bank Manager 04:06
24.
Horseman 00:53
25.
26.
27.
28.
Goin Legit 02:34

credits

released October 10, 2016

All song written by C.Heyzeus
Except church on sunday and the mountains
both of those songs were co written with D.Dalls, M.Simpson and S.Ross

Matthew Simpson features on guitar and backing vocals on those two songs

Front cover artwork by
Polly Bound
Polly.bound27@gmail.com

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